OK SISTERS!!!!! I recently bought a shirt that says “I’m cool but I cry a lot” and felt the need to share my thoughts on crying and why we need to stop apologizing for it.
Think of the last time you cried in public or with other people in the room… what did you do? If you’re like most, you probably said sorry as you wiped your tears from your face and shoved that emotion deep down back where it “belongs”… which is honestly the norm that I see nowadays. Whether it’s friends, family, clients, or even myself sometimes, I’ve noticed that the moment your eyes fill up with tears, the apologizing soon follows.
MY QUESTION IS WHY????
To give you an example, I went to an emergency clinic a few weeks ago for a migraine. The nurses and doctors were running a million tests on me but all of them were coming back normal. If you’ve followed my health journey thus far, you know that I am DESPERATE to feel better. I’ve gone through a lot (AND I MEAN A LOT) in hopes that my explant surgery would be the last step in my suffering… but I was wrong...but we will get into that later. I went to the emergency clinic KNOWING that something was wrong… my body was trying to tell me something and all I wanted was answers and some relief. When test after test came back normal, I burst into tears because 1. I was in so much pain and 2. I was feeling misunderstood and dismissed by the clinic staff. Y’all know I don’t EVER hold back on the waterworks so of course I started crying… the nurse walked in and said (in a very rude tone I might add) “Why are you crying????” and my immediate response was “sorry, I’ve just been through a lot and I know something is wrong but I don’t know what”. ALMOST INSTANTANIOUSLY I felt guilty for apologizing and wanted to follow up with saying, “actually I’m not sorry for crying”.
Why do we feel the need to apologize for feeling sad? Let’s unpack that a little. I’ve mentioned it in an earlier blog about how society has a tendency to oppress negative emotions, whether its anger, jealousy, fear, or sadness. It’s all about being uncomfortable with the uncomfortable. With these tendencies so embedded into societal norms, it makes sense as to why we would apologize for shedding a tear or two… or twelve.
Let’s talk about the thought process that happens in our brain. Cue the triggering event, then comes the rushing feeling of sadness, then something in our brain alarms us “SADNESS IS NOT OKAY AND YOU NEED TO FIGHT THE FEELING AND SHOVE THAT SHIT DEEPER”, then the tears fall because sadness is a very strong emotion, and THEN we automatically confirm that we are weak because we weren’t strong enough to uphold the irrational societal belief that sadness is bad (dare you to try and say that sentence five times fast), and THAT my sisters is why we apologize.
I can remember one time I had a difficult week in grad school and cried to one of my professors and spent the next minute apologizing for the tears. She asked me why I was apologizing and I said I wasn’t sure. She then asked me what I thought when my clients began to cry during session. I told her that I viewed my crying clients as brave and being strong for sitting in a place of vulnerability… she then asked why I didn’t give myself the same courtesy I gave my clients and BOOM my perspective on crying totally changed just like that.. MIND BLOWN.
We apologize because society says that crying is uncomfortable and we don’t want whoever is around us while we are crying to feel uncomfortable or awkward. It’s not like you would be crying in your room by yourself apologizing to yourself, right??? It’s not so much about the tears shed as it is about feeling like we can’t cry in front of others for whatever reason. BUT WE NEED TO CHANGE THAT AND IT STARTS HERE SISTERS.
Being vulnerable is BRAVE NOT WEAK. It is something to be admired and celebrated. If someone feels uncomfortable because you cry, that is THEIR PROBLEM NOT YOURS. Their reaction tells a lot about them and absolutely nothing about you…
It’s time to start EXPRESSING ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND OWNING THEM WHEN YOU DO – regardless if they are positive, neutral, or negative emotions. Let yourself feel all the feels because you deserve to be true, genuine, and authentic with yourself.
I FREAKING LOVE TO CRY. It’s cathartic for me and I feel SO relieved afterwards. And honestly, I think my skin looks great after a good cry - LOL. So I’m gonna shout from these imaginary be bloomed mountain tops that I LOVE TO CRY AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME.
Let’s go a step further and talk about how a lot of people respond to crying by saying “Aw, don’t cry” – I F***ING HATE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLZ PLZ PLZ STOP THIS.
Example – your boyfriend just broke up with you and you are devastated. You invite your bestie over for a girls night (AKA pizza, ice cream, wine, and a rom-com) and your feelings hit you like an 18-wheeler and without hesitation, you start to cry. You’re bestie responds by hugging you and saying “Aw, babe don’t cry”. In that moment, your bestie is trying to comfort you and doesn’t want to see you sad and crying BUT the message you receive is that it’s not safe to cry and be vulnerable in this moment. So you swallow those feelings back down and spend the rest of the night fighting your real emotions. THIS HAS GOT TO CHANGE and it starts with YOU!!!!!!!
In the example above, I would’ve loved to see the bestie respond to the tears by saying “I am so sorry… you’re heartbroken and devastated over this. It’s okay to cry and I’m here with you… I’m not going anywhere”
SO MUCH BETTER, RIGHT????
I challenge you to pay attention to your emotions and your reactions to your emotions and the emotions of others. Stop running from the negative emotions because it only comes to bite you in the butt later… be the strong and brave girl I know you are!!!
ALSO I think everyone should watch this Ted Talk linked below by Brene Brown about the power of VULNERABILITY!!!!!! ITS AMAZING AND SHE IS MY IDOL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
To end this post, I want to encourage you to go out there and buy a box of tissues. You can even have a fun self-care night and decorate the box with paint, stickers, crystals, magazine cut outs… whatever you want. AND then let that tissue box be a reminder that is it OKAY to cry. Just like Rachel Hollis says, GIRL, STOP APOLOGIZING. We do not need to apologize for expressing our emotions. It’s healthy. YOU GOT THIS SISTER. I am so proud of you for continuing this journey of self-growth with me. Like every mom in America says, you’re doing great sweetie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
XOXO,
Elise
LINKING MY SHIRT BELOW FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO PURCHASE :)
https://www.etsy.com/listing/254084733/im-pretty-cool-but-i-cry-a-lot-tshirt?ref=yr_purchases