Hi my sisters. Today we’re going to be working through the tough topic of grief. Would you be surprised if I told you that EVERYONE is working through the stages of grief right now?

Yes, I said everyone.

Okay, okay… I’ll be the one to say it – 2020 has been a b****.

Most, if not all, of us have experienced grief at some point or another in our lives. Life is filled with changes, transitions, and various levels of loss. Loss can shake us to our core and can most definitely disrupt any sense of feeling grounded, balanced, or in control.

Regardless of the loss, I think we can all connect on the feeling of what it’s like to lose something that is so special to us… a relationship, a marriage, a loved one, a job, our freedom. Grief can look different for everyone, but I think it will be helpful to work through the process together, in hopes that some of you will feel validated in what you’re experiencing right now.

A few things inspired me to write this post. The first one being that 2020 has been a year filled with grief for me. AND GET READY CAUSE WE’RE GONNA GET VULNERABLE HERE.

Hi to all my brave souls out there!!!

YES, I am talking to YOU.

It is a hard time right now… and if social distancing wasn’t a thing, I would be giving you all a much needed hug. Things feel uncertain, things feel scary, and things most definitely feel out of control. COVID-19 has truly came in like a wrecking ball (cue the visual of Miley) and the chaos it has created is something I honestly have never experienced before. There have been moments where I truly feel like the world is ending and then there are moments where I am grateful for things slowing down. The emotional rollercoaster of it all is a hard thing to process, which is why I wanted to write this blog. I’m here to share MY experience in response to what is going on in the world and hopefully normalize your feelings and how you are processing it all. Then I’ll share some tips that have helped me survive this time.

As most of you know, I am an immune-compromised individual, which means that I am at high risk regarding the virus… because of that, I have not been able to leave my house in over 4 weeks and let me tell you… it has been TOUGH. In some respect, I feel like I was born to conquer a quarantine because 1. I am most definitely a homebody and 2. much of my life for the past 4 years has been limited to staying at home due to my health.. but I’m not going to lie to y’all, I’ve been having a REALLY HARD TIME and I’m sure some of you babes are too. It’s OKAY to not be OKAY right now.

Let me hit you with the facts. People thrive off of routine and schedules. Predictability ENSURES feeling secure and safe. Without predictability, we are left feeling vulnerable and like our personal worlds are chaotic and out of control. Right now, EVERYTHING is uncertain and we most definitely can’t control what is going on around us. People are losing their jobs. Healthcare workers are risking their lives to be at the forefront of this. People are devastated financially. Relationships are being tested. Parents are now adapting to be homeschool teachers. Soon-to-be mamas are wondering whether their spouse will be able to be there for the birth of their child. People are feeling isolated due to mandated social distancing. The list goes on and on. There is a lot to mourn over right now.

If you’re like me, then you’ve been envisioning what your wedding would be like since you were 5 years old. I always wondered who I would marry and what my dress would look like and where I would go on my honeymoon. Well, fast forward twenty something years and HERE I AM PLANNING MY WEDDING!!! 

I got the man (check) – AND HE CUTE.

I got the ring (check) 

SO LET THE PLANNING BEGIN!!!

To be honest with you, I really thought I was going to be bridezilla throughout this whole process. For the majority of my life, I’ve been an organized control freak. I LOVE to have every second of my day planned out and put in my planner. Yes, it is color coordinated. My parents always laugh when they tell the story about me being 5 years old and hand writing to-do lists that went something like 1. Wake up 2. Brush Teeth 3. Change Clothes 4. Eat Breakfast 5. Change Band-Aid 6. Play  (LOL – I die!!!!) I’d say my whole perspective on life changed after I got sick because I came to the realization that no matter how planned, organized, and prepared you are, life throws some big shit your way that’s totally unexpected and there’s nothing you can do about it but roll with the punches. 

So when it came to planning my wedding, I took the approach of rolling with it. First, I’ll give you a little bit of a background story. Carl and I met in November of 2017. By January, we were living together and in April of 2018, he proposed. And believe me, I was just as surprised as everyone else. We were bombarded with congratulations but also some concerns that it was too early. People said it was too fast and that they were hesitant about it all… we respectfully took it all in and then decided to not think twice about it (I’m considering making a shirt that says “I don’t want your opinion unless your opinion is pizza”). For all my Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans, LVP and Ken got married 2 weeks after they met and are still  living their best lives after 37 years of marriage.

The saying goes, when you know you know… and Carl and I just knew!!

It made sense for Carl and I to have a long engagement because of a few different factors. I had always dreamed of having a Fall wedding so we had the choice between 6 months or 17 months as an engagement. We decided on the long haul so I could graduate from grad school and hopefully get my health mess under control before we said “I DO” (still working on that but it’s a work in progress). We set the date for September 7th, 2019! I would say after you’ve picked the date, then it’s time to get an idea of if you want a big wedding or a small wedding. For Carl and I, we decided on a very small and intimate wedding. This was SO hard to decide since it brought us both back to P.E. class picking kickball teams but I’ll include tips on this below.

OK SISTERS!!!!! I recently bought a shirt that says “I’m cool but I cry a lot” and felt the need to share my thoughts on crying and why we need to stop apologizing for it. 

Think of the last time you cried in public or with other people in the room… what did you do? If you’re like most, you probably said sorry as you wiped your tears from your face and shoved that emotion deep down back where it “belongs”… which is honestly the norm that I see nowadays. Whether it’s friends, family, clients, or even myself sometimes, I’ve noticed that the moment your eyes fill up with tears, the apologizing soon follows. 

MY QUESTION IS WHY????

To give you an example, I went to an emergency clinic a few weeks ago for a migraine. The nurses and doctors were running a million tests on me but all of them were coming back normal. If you’ve followed my health journey thus far, you know that I am DESPERATE to feel better. I’ve gone through a lot (AND I MEAN A LOT) in hopes that my explant surgery would be the last step in my suffering… but I was wrong...but we will get into that later. I went to the emergency clinic KNOWING that something was wrong… my body was trying to tell me something and all I wanted was answers and some relief. When test after test came back normal, I burst into tears because 1. I was in so much pain and 2. I was feeling misunderstood and dismissed by the clinic staff. Y’all know I don’t EVER hold back on the waterworks so of course I started crying… the nurse walked in and said (in a very rude tone I might add) “Why are you crying????” and my immediate response was “sorry, I’ve just been through a lot and I know something is wrong but I don’t know what”. ALMOST INSTANTANIOUSLY I felt guilty for apologizing and wanted to follow up with saying, “actually I’m not sorry for crying”.

Why do we feel the need to apologize for feeling sad? Let’s unpack that a little….

The title of this blog may be misleading, as it’s targeted to a person who has a loved one going through a hard time BUT the person writing this blog (AKA ME) is someone currently going through a hard time.. so no matter what side of the fence you are on, this blog is going to help you either A) comfort people you love or B) communicate how you want to be comforted.

LET’S GET INTO IT SISTERS!!!!!

A lot of things have happened in my life recently that inspired me to write this post… for starters, I got my breast implants taken out March 29thand recovery has been SO AWFUL. SO HARD. AND SO DAMN EMOTIONAL.

**I’ll be doing a post later about my experience with the explant and recovery process but for now, I’m not emotionally ready to do so (boundaries are good – if you’re not ready for something, emotionally or physically, don’t push yourself… the time will come)

Let’s just say that for the past month, I’ve looked like the lady in the photo above. I have cried. Like A LOT. LIKE SO MANY DAMN TEARS… I’m honestly surprised my tear ducts have anything left in there. There have been so many moments in the past 30-something days where I just felt defeated, sad, angry, vulnerable, hopeless, and lonely. It has been hard to wrap my head around why I’ve felt lonely when I have an army of a support system surrounding me at all times. BUT as I’ve written this blog I’ve come to understand that regardless of how many people you have in your life, you can still experience loneliness, ESPECIALLY if you feel like people don’t understand what it’s like to be in your shoes.

You might be thinking to yourself… Elise, what do you do when all 

those feelings come up for you?? 

Well sisters…I CRY… and I’m not talking like “shed a few tears while still looking cute” cry… I’m talking like “ugly bawl my f***ing eyes out to the point I’m hyperventilating and have tears, snot, and drool all over my face” cry. No matter what kind of crier you are, I’m sure you have, at some point or another in your life, been able to relate to what I’ve been feeling recently.  So if that’s you (AKA EVERYONE BECAUSE EVERYONE EXPERIENCES SADNESS WHETHER YOU EMBRACE OR OPRESS IT), you’re in luck because this post was written for you.

NOW LETS DO THIS – grab your tissues, cause I’ve sure as hell used all of mine.

HALLELUJAH!!! Just reading the title of this blog post makes me want to jump for joy. Now, when I say that I’ve had my fair share of unhealthy relationships, I mean literally every relationship I had up until I met my fiancé, Carl, was unhealthy…

like REALLY unhealthy.

I’m gonna keep it real with you sisters and give you the 411 about my experiences because honestly, it is SO easy to lose yourself in an unhealthy relationship because you’re literally just trying to keep your boat (aka your relationship) afloat when it has 12 holes in the bottom and is rapidly taking on water. I can remember being SO wrapped up in just trying to keep my relationships surviving from day to day that I forgot what the real point of having a significant other really was…

SO LET’S GET INTO IT, SHALL WE???

***Side note: I have not included the names of my exes to protect their privacy (always be the bigger person, sisters!!! There is NO better feeling than walking away from something KNOWING, wholeheartedly, that the other person does not have one thing to hold against you or taint your character with – two wrongs DO NOT make a right… I do NOT believe in revenge or getting “even”)

The first time I fell in love was in college. It was at a time in my life where I had the lowest self-esteem, ever. I was overweight from gaining the Freshman 40 (yes, I gained 40 pounds…) and feeling awful about myself, while being surrounded by straight up Victoria Secret models at the University of Arizona. I can remember going to the gym, not to be healthy but to be skinny. My mindset and my motivation were so so wrong. I remember being surprised that a guy took interest in me and instantly, I was invested. It was like I was seeking this validation that I was worthy of love. I had this dark hole in my heart and was just waiting for an opportunity for someone else to fill it. I had absolutely no concept of self-love and I was vulnerable. Keep in mind -

THIS MENTALITY LEAVES YOU AS A TARGET TO BE MANIPULATED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!!!!!!!

SPRING IS HERE!!!

(Even though it’s still literally FREEZING outside)

Which means for us, that it’s time to declutter…AKA my favorite thing to do. There is NOTHING better than decluttering and organizing, or shall we say out with the old, in with the new!!! A few days ago, I decided to go through my closet, like I do every year, and analyze each piece of clothing I have and contemplate if it’s worth keeping or should go in the sell or donation pile. Honestly, as much as I love the end feeling of it all, the process of it takes me F.O.R.E.V.E.R. because I go through every POSSIBLE scenario about when I maybe, could possibly, but know I won’t ever, wear this again. As I look at each item, I think to myself “ya know Elise, you haven’t worn this in two years and it doesn’t fit right anymore, but maybe one day you’ll have to go to a gardening class with a friend and it’ll be perfect” and that’s all the validation I need to justify putting that black velvet hanger back on the rack.

I KNOW… I’m sure you’re wondering why decluttering is my favorite thing to do if it sounds like I absolutely suck at it but I promise I do get rid of things, even if it takes me 3 weeks to do so. Sometimes, all I need is just a little encouragement from my fiancé, Carl. Whenever I’m having a really hard time deciding on whether to keep or toss something, I’ll ask him and within .0001 seconds, he will decide and then of course I’ll give him all of my excuses as to why I should keep it BUT the point is… it’s definitely helpful to have a friend, significant other, or even your mom give their opinion on it because it’s not so personal for them.

So with this being my 5th year that I’ve started decluttering my closet, I wondered to myself, “why is it so HARD for me to give up things if they are just THINGS???” To that point, I think the personal aspect of it is the answer to my grand question. When you buy something, you invest in it, you wear it, you spend time with it, and you create memories in it. So no wonder it can be hard to give those things up sometimes!!!!! This whole idea got me thinking on a much deeper level about FRIENDSHIPS (because you can’t get a Master’s Degree in Counseling without thinking on the deepest level with everything… sometimes to a fault)

Valentine’s Day is a day that really emphasizes
L O V E.

This year on Valentine’s Day I found myself feeling so grateful for all the people I love so much! My fiancé, my friends, my family… my heart was filled to the brim with love for other people. But then I stopped to check in with myself about self-love. For me, an empath, it is so easy to pour myself into other people and just hand out love like it’s a tequila shot on a bachelorette party! Don’t get me wrong, loving other people is AMAZING and is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and a solid support system. BUT don’t get so caught up in loving and supporting other people that you forget about yourself. A lot goes into loving yourself and just like you have to put in effort with your other relationships, you GOTTA do the same with yourself, sister!

Self-love is a practice that you MUST be committed to. It’s something you should look forward to, like the free bean dip at Gloria’s!!! Just like all of your other relationships and friendships, your relationship with yourself must be tended to, nurtured, and prioritized.