The title of this blog may be misleading, as it’s targeted to a person who has a loved one going through a hard time BUT the person writing this blog (AKA ME) is someone currently going through a hard time.. so no matter what side of the fence you are on, this blog is going to help you either A) comfort people you love or B) communicate how you want to be comforted.
LET’S GET INTO IT SISTERS!!!!!
A lot of things have happened in my life recently that inspired me to write this post… for starters, I got my breast implants taken out March 29th and recovery has been SO AWFUL. SO HARD. AND SO DAMN EMOTIONAL.
**I’ll be doing a post later about my experience with the explant and recovery process but for now, I’m not emotionally ready to do so (boundaries are good – if you’re not ready for something, emotionally or physically, don’t push yourself… the time will come)
Let’s just say that for the past month, I’ve looked like the lady in the photo above. I have cried. Like A LOT. LIKE SO MANY DAMN TEARS… I’m honestly surprised my tear ducts have anything left in there. There have been so many moments in the past 30-something days where I’ve just felt defeated, sad, angry, vulnerable, hopeless, and lonely. It has been hard to wrap my head around why I’ve felt lonely when I have an army of a support system surrounding me at all times. BUT as I’ve written this blog I’ve come to understand that regardless of how many people you have in your life, you can still experience loneliness, ESPECIALLY if you feel like people don’t understand what you’re going through.
You might be thinking to yourself… Elise, what do you do when all those feelings come up for you??
Well sisters…I CRY… and I’m not talking like “shed a few tears while still looking cute” cry… I’m talking like “ugly bawl my f***ing eyes out to the point I’m hyperventilating and have tears, snot, and drool all over my face” cry. No matter what kind of crier you are, I’m sure you have, at some point or another in your life, been able to relate to what I’ve been feeling recently. So if that’s you (AKA EVERYONE BECAUSE EVERYONE EXPERIENCES SADNESS WHETHER YOU EMBRACE OR OPRESS IT), you’re in luck because this post was written for you.
NOW LETS DO THIS – grab your tissues, cause I’ve sure as hell used all of mine.
I know myself well enough to know that when I’m feeling sad, defeated, hopeless, vulnerable, or whatever other feeling that makes you want to crawl into a dark hole and hibernate for the next 4 years, I seek comfort. From my fiancé, Carl, from my mom, from my friends, or from basically whoever is in a physical distance close enough to give me a hug… I don’t discriminate, especially when it comes to hugs and neither should you!!!!!
I consider all the people I would go to in these situations as my “supporters”. I encourage you to make a list of yours. These are the people you can call on or seek comfort from in a hard time. BUT it’s important to know that not everyone on that list comforts the same. AND to blow your mind even more, not everyone on that list recognizes that the way THEY like to be comforted may not be how YOU like to be comforted…. This idea is kind of like the different love languages, if any of you sisters have read that book. The way you give and receive love might be completely different from your partners… the same goes with comfort.
Exhibit A – I’m going to pick on my poor sweet Carl for a moment (bless his heart) so yall have a good example of what I’m talking about. Ok so picture me, on a Wednesday, in my striped jammies, on the couch with my soon-to-be hubs, ugly bawling my f***ing eyes out to the point I’m hyperventilating and have tears, snot, and drool all over my face. This all seemingly came out of nowhere, since I was minding my own business making shrimp tostadas approximately 4 minutes and 13 seconds before. Carl’s immediate reaction was to:
1. Assess the situation
2. Confirm it’s a crisis situation
AND DRUMROLL PLEASE………..
3. Fix the situation
Carl was able to assess the situation by seeing that I was clearly distraught. He listened to my feelings and heartbreak over the fact that I had gone into this surgery knowing I was gonna make a quick road trip through HELL, just to find out afterwards that my 7 day road trip was actually going to be more like 6 months. So here I am, in HELL, wanting to crawl back home and escape the pain and misery… bawling my f***ing eyes out. He was able to complete step 2 and confirm it’s a crisis situation because my breakdown was comparable to a dog-loving small child watching the end of Marley and Me… at this point in the story you should have a great visual of the situation LOL
So then, obviously, Carl was able to identify that I was hurting emotionally. Out of his love for me and his wish to comfort me, he moved to step 3, his immediate instinct, which was to fix the situation. He told me it would all be better in time, and that we need to document how I’m feeling so we can identify a pattern, and go on more walks to get outside more, and eat healthy because we are what we eat…and blah blah blah. He was resorting to a solution-focused mindset in hopes that it would give me some peace and resolve my emotional pain… he was strategizing, thinking logically, and trying to problem solve when in that moment, I just needed him to listen, hold me, and communicate that he was there to support me. I wanted him to validate my feelings and express his empathy for the dark place I was stuck in.
Trying to FIX THE SITUATION is a normal first instinct when trying to comfort someone we love. We don’t want the people we love to hurt so therefore we do everything we can to make it better. Don’t feel bad if you are a fixer… my guess is 9 out of 10 people out there are fixers just like you. People feel USEFUL when they fix stuff… even when it’s unfixable. Trying to fix it makes you feel like you’re doing something other than just sitting around twirling your thumbs as you watch a house burn down in flames or a car accident happen.
BUT what if I told you that our job as comforters and supporters is NOT to make it better??? Our job as comforters and supporters is to be present, listen, be supportive, express love, and show empathy.
Think of an actual comforter. Like on your bed. Its sole purpose is to make you comfortable and keep you warm through the night. I would literally shit my pants if I came home and got in my bed, only for my comforter to start doing the dishes, or folding laundry, or paying off my credit card (wouldn’t that be a nice feature for a comforter???) to try and help me. The point of my crazy analogy is that when you want to comfort a loved one going through a hard time, just channel your inner linen duvet cover.
Although the intentions are good of all you “fixers” out there, you miss the mark by listing out all of the hopeful solutions AND you give false hope by saying “just give it time” or “it’ll get better” or my absolute favorite…“just stay positive, it’ll all work out”. Inevitably, you send a message to your hurting loved one that you don’t understand how they are feeling. You are also trying to rescue them out of the pool of emotions they are in, which unfortunately reinforces the societal tendency we have to oppress negative emotions.
I AM A FIRM FIRM FIRM (like firmer than Zac Efrons washboard abs) BELIEVER THAT YOU NEED TO EMBRACE ALL EMOTIONS AND FEEL ALL THE FEELS. If a negative feeling comes up for you, and you oppress and avoid it, you ultimately start building up this pile of negativity that will 100% pop up at some point or another… like the underground pimple I get in the SAME SPOT on my chin when it’s “that time of the month”. It is SO much better to welcome ALL emotions, feel them, and then let them pass versus put it on the backburner like some turkey bacon and forget about it until it lights on fire and burns your whole kitchen down. Get where I’m going with this??
THE WAY TO HELP SOMONE FEEL BETTER IS TO LET THEM BE IN PAIN. IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!!!!!
There is a quote I love by an educator named Parker Palmer and it says:
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved… it simply wants to be witnessed, exactly as it is”
As a counselor, my job is NOT to fix my clients problems… it’s not to give advice or give out solutions to rescue. My job is to BE WITH, be genuine, be accepting, and understand empathetically. I believe people already have the solutions and answers within them… they don’t need you (or me) to give handouts of your own opinions and knowledge. They just need you to create a safe and supportive environment to allow them to figure it out for themselves.
FIXERS –
I’m going to spill some of my counseling secrets and tell you how to really comfort someone when they are hurting.
1. LISTEN: (THE MOST IMPORTANT!!) be present and just listen to what your loved one has to say. It’s even okay to ask “What is going on?” or “I’m here if you want to talk about it”. These are safe questions that put the focus of the conversation back on your hurting loved one and create an environment where they can make the choice to share or not. (AND IF THEY DON’T WANT TO SHARE - THAT IS OKAY… just be present with them emotionally and physically!) When you are listening, be sure you are listening with your body as well! This means open body language, face your loved one, and make eye contact. These are cues that you are in tune with your loved one and that you are PRESENT which is really the most important. (KEY TIP: PUT YOUR FREAKING PHONE AWAY… Instagram can wait.)
2. BE A MIRROR: after your loved one expresses what’s going on (if they choose to) be a mirror to them by reflecting back what they said in your own words. THIS IS CALLED REFLECTION OF CONTENT OR FEELING IN THE COUNSELING WORLD. This pro tip shows that you are listening and you are doing your best to understand and show empathy. I’ll give an example below:
· LOVED ONE: “I’m literally devastated that Game of Thrones only has 3 episodes left and the SECOND DRAGON JUST DIED… I CAN’T STOP CRYING”
· Instead of saying: “omg you’re so dramatic just get over it.. there will be other shows we can get into”
· SAY: “Oh no…I’m so sorry…that show meant a lot to you and you are sad about it ending”
**These skills take practice!!! Try to identify the feeling they are experiencing and then verbalize it!! If you do this, you have already increased your communication and relationship building skills by A MILLION!!!
3. VOCALIZE YOUR LOVE: Instead of going into fix-it mode, try just making statements to show your love for your hurting loved one. Say things like - “I’m here for you”, “I love you”, “If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know”, “It’s okay to not be okay”, “Can I give you a hug?”… I PROMISE YOU that when your loved one looks back on a hard time they experienced, they will NOT remember all of the solutions you so graciously spit out but they WILL REMEMBER that you were there, physically and emotionally, and just sat with them in their dark place. THAT MY FRIENDS IS THE GREATEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE TO A LOVED ONE!!!!!!
*WHEN SOMONE IS DROWING, IT IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH THEM TO SWIM*
PEOPLE WHO NEED COMFORT-
I’m going to fill you in on what has helped me communicate what I need in moments of emotional turmoil!!!
1. TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!: Take advantage of your supporters who are willing to sit down, listen, and be present with you. Talking about “it” is cathartic… it helps! This would be a helpful time to refer back to your list of supporters. I also want you to write down in which ways they comfort you. If you already have this pre-determined, then it will be easy for you to go back to your list in a time of need and seek out a supporter in your life that is going to comfort you in the exact way you need in that moment. If you need to be comforted by staying busy and getting out of the house, then it would be smart to call a friend who you always have a good time with BUT if you need to be comforted by just crying on someone’s shoulder, it would be most beneficial to call a supporter on your list who has a comfortable shoulder for you to cry on – Get me??
2. COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS: In order to feel like you are being understood and validated, EMPATHY IS KEY. The best way to receive an empathetic response from others is for you to COMMUNICATE HOW YOU ARE FEELING. This requires you to be well versed in feeling words. I’ve included a wheel of feelings below to enhance your feeling vocabulary!! By vocalizing your feelings, you make it easier for your supporters and comforters to reflect them back to you (by being a mirror) which will not only make you feel understood in that moment, but it will also enhance your relationship and bond on so many levels.
3. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS!!!! There is NOTHING wrong with telling your supporters what you need. In fact, it makes things so much easier. It’s important to remember that other people CANNOT and I repeat CANNOT read your mind. For example, going back to the cry fest above after our shrimp tostadas, I told Carl “I appreciate you trying to help with solutions but right now I just need you to say that you’re here with me, that you love me, and that we are going to get through this together… and then go get my dogs for us to have a family hug”.. AND THAT’S WHAT HE DID LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!!! And it worked. I told him what I needed in the moment and he listened to me. AND THEN he took note of it for future situations (cause he’s literally a dream come true – ily Carl). AND YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR that the next day when I broke down again, he said “Elise, I’m here with you, I love you, and we’re going to get through this together… let me go get the pups, I’ll make you some tea, and we can cuddle and then watch your favorite show”. The more you confidently communicate your needs, the more others around you will take note of it… try it and let me know how it works for you!!
So in conclusion, we’ve been able to determine that:
1. My life has been in shambles the past month or so
2. IT IS OKAY THAT IVE NOT BEEN OKAY
3. Fixers – try to stop fixing by following my 3 steps:
(LISTEN, BE A MIRROR, VOCALIZE YOUR LOVE)
4. People needing comfort – COMMUNICATE by following my 3 steps
(TALK ABOUT IT, COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS, COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS)
Life is hard sometimes. You can’t escape it. When you’re in the thick of it, it seems overwhelming and can make you put on dark sunglasses that cast a negative lens on everything else in your life. Really get in tune with yourself and figure out the WHY. Why are you feeling this way? What meaning does it have in your life? What do these feelings represent? Let yourself get in touch with the feelings that are not always happy and positive.
Hardships create character and resilience. I am strong and SO ARE YOU! If you’re going through a tough time right now sister, know that I am with you and we will get through this TOGETHER. If you know someone going through a hard time, spread kindness and be present. I commend all you sisters reading this blog post for taking a step to try and better yourself. You’re one step closer to BLOOMING.
ILY SISTERS!
XOXO, E
