HALLELUJAH!!! Just reading the title of this blog post makes me want to jump for joy! Now, when I say that I’ve had my fair share of unhealthy relationships, I mean literally every relationship I had up until I met my fiancé, Carl, was unhealthy… like REALLY unhealthy.
I’m gonna keep it real with you sisters and give you the 411 about my experiences because honestly, it is SO easy to lose yourself in an unhealthy relationship because you’re literally just trying to keep your boat (aka your relationship) afloat when it has 12 holes in the bottom and is rapidly taking on water. I can remember being SO wrapped up in just trying to keep my relationships surviving from day to day that I forgot what the real point of having a significant other really was…
SO LET’S GET INTO IT, SHALL WE???
***Side note: I have not included the names of my exes to protect their privacy (always be the bigger person, sisters!!! There is NO better feeling than walking away from something KNOWING, wholeheartedly, that the other person does not have one thing to hold against you or taint your character with – two wrongs DO NOT make a right… I do NOT believe in revenge or getting “even”)
The first time I fell in love was in college. It was at a time in my life where I had the lowest self-esteem, ever. I was overweight from gaining the Freshman 40 (yes, I gained 40 pounds…) and feeling awful about myself, while being surrounded by straight up Victoria Secret models at the University of Arizona. I can remember going to the gym, not to be healthy but to be skinny. My mindset and my motivation were so so wrong. I remember being surprised that a guy took interest in me and instantly, I was invested. It was like I was seeking this validation that I was worthy of love. I had this dark hole in my heart and was just waiting for an opportunity for someone else to fill it. I had absolutely no concept of self-love and I was vulnerable. Keep in mind -
THIS MENTALITY LEAVES YOU AS A TARGET TO BE MANIPULATED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF!!!!!!!
This relationship lasted about 2 and a half years and from what I can remember, didn’t get super unhealthy until the end. I think the college environment and immaturity had a lot to do with it… I remember fights we had where we just screamed at each other and I was in my head thinking, “this person brings out a side of me that I don’t recognize and quite frankly HATE”. There was a lot of jealousy tied up in our relationship due to a lack of trust (if you know me, I NOW PREACH ON THE IMPORTANCE OF TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!) There were super high highs and very low lows. He pointed out my flaws and had recommendations about fixing them... sounds like Prince Charming, right?? A specific example that is literally burned into my brain and has had ramifications on my insecurities ever since is when we were at the beach one day and he suggested I start the “30 day squat challenge” because my cellulite was getting bad. I honestly had never really noticed the back of my legs before he said that but I would be lying if I told you it’s not the first thing I notice in the mirror when I’m naked now. When someone else points out an area that’s not up to their standards of beauty, it’s easy to obsess over it… even if you hadn’t thought twice about it before. Situations like the one above inevitably caused me to not feel good enough for him, which constantly triggered and added to that core belief I mentioned earlier of “I’m worthless without someone else”.
We will get into core beliefs on another post because EVERYONE HAS THEM(YES, YOU!!!), they are not nice, and you don’t find out what they are until you go looking for them – I uncovered mine during the personal work we did during my grad school program.
OK back to the story- I can remember it getting so bad that after a family vacation, my mom set me up with a counselor because she could see how much emotional pain I was in. I refused to talk to anyone about it because come on, I knew better...... talking about it would mean that people would know the truth, which meant they would resent him, judge me, and not support our unhealthy relationship (can you hear how distorted my thought process was???). I thought I had this whole “painting a perfect picture” thing down, but come to find out… everyone knew. There is no hiding being in an unhealthy relationship. Your closest people see straight through the façade. Even if they don’t say anything or don’t confront you about it, they know. Deep down, I knew they knew too. I never asked anyone’s opinion of him or us because I knew what their responses would be. It’s a very isolating and lonely feeling knowing you are hiding such a burden in your heart from the people who love you the most.
I remember going back to Arizona and one day breaking. I called my mom and said “I want out but I’m scared… I feel like it’s easier to just keep it going and be miserable versus break up and be miserable”. Both choices ended with me being miserable, so in my head I was deciding between being with someone and miserable (don’t they say misery loves company??) or being alone and miserable. My desperate and fragile heart wouldn’t allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel behind door number 2. After what felt like a million crying facetime calls with my momma and a very good pep talk, I did it. I ripped off the Band-Aid, dove right into the water, and broke up with him and HOLY SHIT IT WAS SO AWFUL.
Our break up felt like someone had literally amputated my right arm. Chopped it right off with a machete. I cried for days and weeks it felt like. I would sit in the shower and just bawl my eyes out. I couldn’t eat. I slept all the time. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Nothing brought me comfort except for the thought of getting a hug from him again. It was honestly so sad. I felt pathetic and weak. At the time, I didn’t understand that I was grieving the loss of someone who had become such a huge part of my life (healthy relationship or unhealthy relationship, you 100% WILL grieve the loss if it ends and there is no avoiding it – you can oppress it for a bit but at some point, sooner or later, that baggage that definitely needs to be unpacked will explode open and you’ll be a hot mess trying to pick up the pieces).
I didn’t stop to smell the flowers and see this time as an opportunity to BLOOM and get to know myself and love myself. I immediately was on the search for another guy who would fill that room in my heart that was available for occupancy once again. Which led to me casually dating a few younger guys, because dating younger made me feel like I had some ounce of power after being in a relationship for over 2 years where I felt powerless. I WAS A MESS, OKAY???
My next serious relationship was a few years later when I moved back to Texas. To give you some context you should read my post “THE ROLLERCOASTER FROM HELL: AKA my healthy journey” to give you an idea of the place I was at in my life. Again, similarly to the relationship above, I was feeling horrible, I felt like I had lost everything, given up on all my dreams, and was being forced to wrap my head around a new identity of being chronically ill. I pursued this guy and I pursued him hard. I had just moved to a new city where I only knew a few people and that desperate dark hole in my heart was literally on the hunt like a little kid searching for hidden eggs on Easter morning.
I fell hard. Like really hard. He was charming, he was attractive, he was self-sufficient, a go-getter, had a lot of friends, a sense of humor, and a difficult upbringing, which pulled on my heart strings. And just like that, I was committed. Right off the bat, this relationship was exhausting. For a few months, he was in (talking marriage, our future, babies) and the next day he was out, just like that. He was always SO convincing when he was in, which made the news of him having second thoughts even more shocking and surprising than the last time. This nightmare lasted 2 years. It was exhausting. I was lied to, cheated on, disrespected, manipulated, ignored, beaten down emotionally, and placed lower on his priority list than the colorful flashing light in his toilet. He had me all sorts of f***ed up.
When someone so close to you treats you like trash, you start to believe you are trash.
Inevitably, as you can imagine, I was insecure in this relationship. Every day I was fighting for it and every day my heart broke a little bit more because I was fighting for it alone. Was I not worth fighting for? What did I not have that he wanted? What was I doing that was wrong? I was soul searching internally to figure out why this relationship wasn’t working when the answer was right in front of me the whole time. What’s that famous break up line? “It’s not you, it’s me”?
Well in this case… IT WAS MOST DEFINITELY YOU, NOT ME. (it just took me some time to realize it)
CAN I GET AN AMEN???
An important point I want to make is that feeling insecure in your relationship ultimately causes you to not feel “good enough” for that person (as we learned in my last relationship)…OR WORSE you actually start changing for that person (which unfortunately happened in this relationship). When you start to believe that you’re not good enough for your significant other, the dynamics of your relationship change. Your significant other is automatically placed on an imaginary pedi stool… they hold the cards, the ball is in their court, they have the CONTROL in the relationship.
I put up with so much for SO LONG because I love LOVE and couldn’t wrap my head around why it couldn’t work (or maybe it was my core belief hanging on to this relationship for dear life) and I was willing to do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to make it work, and you better believe I did, sister.
He was checked out, he wasn’t invested, he was INDIFFERENT. A great jam by the Lumineers has a quote in it that says, “the opposite of LOVE is INDIFFERENCE” and I learned that the hard way.
I always ignored the red flags until one of his best friends told me to look through his phone one night at a birthday party. I did and was disgusted at what I saw. The next morning when I confronted him in tears, HE BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH HIS PHONE. Like come ‘on… I literally thought Ashton Kutcher was going to come out from my closet with cameras and tell me I was being Punked. From that point on, the secrets he had been hiding were flooding in from my friends, his friends, EVERYONE.
I half-assed this breakup for a while, allowing him to still contact me, seeing him every once in a while because I was terrified to lose my other arm. I didn’t want to go through the pain of a breakup again and honestly, I kind of enjoyed having the power for once (CAN YOU SEE THE SIMILARITIES IN THESE TWO RELATIONSHIPS????????) I felt like I needed to slowly rid him of my life but wanted to do it on MY TERMS because the rest of our relationship operated solely on his. Honestly, the day I decided that there was no coming back from this was the day the imaginary 500 pounds of emotional terror lifted from my chest. I went to therapy and decided that I was going to make a vow to myself to focus on me. NO GUYS. No witch hunt for a husband. Just me, myself, and I. I started doing what I LOVED TO DO. Started hanging out with people that made me feel like a great person, who embraced me and accepted me for who I am - NO CHANGES NECCESSARY. Surrounded myself with people, places, and things that did nothing but boost me up!!!! And then in time, I had gained enough courage to block him and completely remove him from my life, FOREVER.
…and here we are, two years later and he is still blocked. No communication. AT ALL. We will never be friends. We will never be okay. He drilled a huge (the biggest you can imagine) hole into my heart and although it has healed beautifully, the scar will forever remain.
I am a firm believer that if you are going to cut the cord and end a relationship, you need to commit to doing just that. I know, I know… you’re probably thinking “WELL DUH ELISE… if it was only that easy…”! I’m with you sister, it’s most definitely easier said than done.
When you break up with someone, you not only break up with that person but also their friends (who have become your friends) and their family. All these people that you have so graciously welcomed into your life… gone, just like that. For me, that made this breakup THAT much harder. I had to distance myself from people I had created genuine friendships with and called my best friends because just being with them or even talking to them was a reminder that I was still connected to this person that hurt me so bad.
You need to set big boundaries and create a plan for yourself because let’s face it, right after a breakup, you miss them, you can only remember all the good times you had together, and it makes it hard to stick to your guns. But I KNOW from experience (personal AND clinical) that when an unhealthy relationship ends, it is for a reason (whether it be cheating, abuse, disrespect, etc.) and 9.9 times out of 10, those issues will continue to be problems for you and your partner if you choose to try again, maybe not in the beginning but likely with time. These are called perpetual problems and they don’t just work themselves out and go away. They are deep rooted and tangled up in personal shit that usually goes untouched without deep personal work and therapy.
**If you’re curious about what perpetual problems you and your partner had (or have - if you’re in a relationship now) try to identify themes in your fights. Now, I’m not talking about the little baby bickering fights or disagreements on what to have for dinner… I’m talking about the ones about big overarching topics like wanting to have kids or not, or religion, or finances, or dividing responsibilities in the home. These fights involve a difference in belief systems and typically continue being a topic of fighting because each person’s argument sits on opposing sides of a spectrum. I’m not one to get into politics but as a good analogy, think of the two different parties as an example.
Real Talk: PEOPLE DON’T JUST WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND CHANGE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO– it takes a lot of work. It is a job. And it takes a commitment.
REAL-ER Talk: If someone couldn’t commit to you and your relationship, it’ll probably be difficult for them to commit to the long and emotional journey of unpacking their baggage (which dates back all the way to their childhood). Now, I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying it’s a difficult process. I’ll do another post on attachment styles because it is one of my favorite areas of therapy to discuss!! (Your attachment style DIRECTLY impacts your relationships!!)
There is one lyric in my favorite Lumineers song (yes, they are my favorite band EVER if you couldn’t already tell) and it says,
“LOVE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD”.
I remember hearing that in the last relationship I was in and it was like someone slapped me right across my face. I had forgotten what the point of having a significant other was. I had forgotten that LOVE should make you feel good!!!!! Love shouldn’t be exhausting, painful, and sad. It shouldn’t make you question yourself. It shouldn’t make you feel like you’re no better than a chewed up piece of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. It shouldn’t be a fight you’re fighting by yourself. LOVE SHOULD BE BEAUTIFUL. The good should outweigh the difficulties, you should feel valued and secure, you should feel special… you should be a priority.
Now you’re probably wondering how did I get out?? How did I get the courage to be done?
AND MY ANSWER IS - I don’t have an answer for you (I know, I know SO ANNOYING). There was no secret magic pill I took or book I read or self-help seminar I went to. It really just came down to being so exhausted that I eventually broke. It was like a cave diver was just chipping and chipping away at a gem covered in dirt until it got smaller and smaller and smaller and then eventually shattered into a million pieces. It took time – over 2 years for both of them. Ending a relationship works best, in my opinion, when you know wholeheartedly that you’ll be better in the end because of it, despite all the sadness and fear. If you don’t have that feeling, then you might be like me in my past relationships, handing out second chances like they’re free tacos on Taco Tuesday. For me, it took time and my tolerance spreading so thin until I finally stood up for myself and said THANK YOU, NEXT.
In conclusion, I’m with Ariana Grande and I am thankful, not so much for my exes, but for what I learned from those relationships and how much stronger it made me. These relationships taught me what I do want in a relationship and what I will absolutely NOT tolerate in the future. They also taught me that I AM ENOUGH and I AM WORTHY OF LOVE (take that core-belief!!!!!!) and so are you, sister.
And to end this post on the happiest note, I want to be a real life example for you… If you’re going to take one thing from this post, let it be THIS:
THE MOMENT YOU PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND COMMIT TO LOVING YOURSELF MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE CAN LOVE YOU IS THE DAY GOD AND THE UNIVERSE WILL REWARD YOU.
I encourage you to do anything and everything you can to start a genuine relationship with yourself and nurture it, just as you may have with people who are not always deserving. When you feel so confident being in a relationship with yourself, a relationship with a significant other will be more like an added bonus to your life instead of the substance and purpose of it.
I met my soon-to-be husband after I started my self-love journey and can proudly say that I AM IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! Que the fireworks!!!! Our relationship is reciprocal (KEY!!!!!), it is secure and built on trust, we communicate, we genuinely care about each other and our feelings, and we prioritize each other just like we prioritize ourselves. We are two individuals on our own journeys connected by our hearts. We support each other, we can count on each other, we encourage each other, we challenge each other, and most importantly we UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE EACH OTHER.
Below is a visual resource that was extremely helpful for me in identifying what a healthy relationship should look like. I challenge you to go through each of these and check mark or highlight what describes your relationship the best. It may be eye opening for you, as it most definitely was for me!
I hope and pray that sharing my story in the most vulnerable and raw way can help some of you who may be struggling internally with similar situations. Know that you are deserving of a love that exceeds your expectations. IT DOES EXIST no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it doesn’t. I’ve been there. Have the strength and have the courage to walk away from something or someone who doesn’t value you. There is only ONE you in this world. You are a gem. Literally one in a BILLION (google population count does not lie)!!!!!
If you ever want to talk, I’m here, sister.
WITH SO MUCH LOVE.
XOXO,
Elise